my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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