im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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