I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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