At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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