I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
