I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
