I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
