i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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