operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
