By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
