I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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