I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
