I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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