remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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