I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
