I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
