My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
