Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
