Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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