At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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