every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
