I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
