So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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