In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
