She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Less talking, more tequila
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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