I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
