I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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