he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
