Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
