my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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