Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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