Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
