I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
