no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
