i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
