So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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