Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I wear drunk well.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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