words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
