Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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