He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
