so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
