She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
