Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize