True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
