i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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