I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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