No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
