thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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