Redeem this text for a blowjob
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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