Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
