Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
