I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My hand turned me down
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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