I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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