If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
