I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
