I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
