totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
