I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize