At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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