YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
