do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
