God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
