So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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