if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
