I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
